How to communicate so your partner listens.

As counselors, we're trained to talk with upset people.

Clients often come in angry, sad, or fearful, and it's our job to learn how to connect with them, help them regain their emotional balance, and then help them decide what to do next.

It sounds silly, but there's literally a "say this to make things better" list and a "say this to make things worse" list.

If you want to talk so your partner listens, here's the list.

This might look confusing. Let me translate this list into regular language.

A few key points.

In the training that I went through, we learned you could literally give people points for their response.

If you give a response from the "Increase Defensiveness" column, you get -1 points. If you give a response from the "Decrease Defensiveness" column, you get +1 points.

Couples often come into counseling asking for "communication skills," and I can see why. During sessions, it's really obvious why couples fight. They do most of the things on the "Increase Defensiveness" side and almost none of the things on the "Decrease Defensiveness" side.

Couples literally keep racking up negative points and then wonder why they aren't getting anywhere.

I've begun to wonder if many couples only have the bad half of the list.

So here it is. Here's the full list.

Let's look at some quick examples.

If your partner comes to you and says, "I'm so upset!"

You could respond with problem solving "Well what do you need to do to fix that?"

In therapy training you'd get a -1. That's probably going to increase defensiveness.

You could simply reflect. Your partner is telling you this for a reason, so you could say, "it sounds like you really want to talk about this?"

That would get you a +1. It's going to decrease defensiveness.

You could also become judgemental, " Why do you always have a problem? Can you just be happy?"

That would earn you -1.

You could normalize. "I think a lot of people would be upset."

That would earn you a +1 because it would likely decrease defensiveness.

You could try to lead them to a solution, " well, do you really think it's that bad? I mean you've probably been through worse in the past, right?"

-1.

You could also offer enthusiastic support, "I won't pretend I understand, but I'm here to support you no matter what."

+1

You get the picture.

I want to say one final thing.

This list is also a diagnostic. If you can take this information, use it, and your relationship improves, great! However, if you can't use it, it doesn't work for some reason, you're too upset to use the tools, or these tools begin to be used as manipulate you, it's likely that you need professional help

Feel free to reach out to me if that's the case. I'm happy to help you in any way that I can.

Best,

Jordan (the counselor)

Book a session with Dr. Harris

Dr. Jordan Harris is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who works in the Northwest Arkansas area, servicing Rogers, Springdale and Fayetteville. With over 10 years of experience, he's worked in various fields from addictions, to kids, to psychiatric wards. Currently his specialty is working with couples with young children